Norwegian Jokes

Here are some jokes acquired from around the internet. I saw no copyright information, but if I have plagiarized anyone, please let me know.  There are also jokes submitted to me and credit is given when an address is available.

If you have a good Scandinavian joke, please e-mail me.

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Workers

Ole and Lars were working for the city public works department in Wisconsin.  Ole would dig a hole and Lars would follow behind and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked Ole, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

Ole, the hole digger, wiped his brow and sighed, 'Vell, I suppose it probably looks odd because ve're normally a three-person team. But today Sven, who plants da trees called in sick.'

Little Ole and the Stork

Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He had a puzzled look on his face at he considered the assignment that was due--writing an essay about his origin. He turned to question his mother. "Mama, vere did Grandma come from?" he asked. "Da stork brought her," answered mama Lena. "And vere did yew come from?" asked Little Ole. "Da stork brought me," his mother answered. "And vere did I come from?" Little Ole inquired. "Vell, son, da stork brought yew, tew," mama Lena replied. With a scowl on his face, Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and began writing his essay: "Dere have been no natural births in our family for three yenerations."

Fingernails

One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

The Relations

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers. Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?" he asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."

One Sunday morning

One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, 'Good morning Ole.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, vat is dis?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, Ole's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, 'Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?

 

The Train Ride

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride, heading to Minneapolis. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No," replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

Music

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

The Optometrist

Ole was having eye trouble, so he went to see the optometrist. "Put this little gadget over your left eye, Ole," said the optometrist. "Now over the right eye, over the left eye. No, Ole, I said left eye. Now right . . . No Ole, your right eye!" Completely confused, Ole just looked at the optometrist. "Now, Ole," the optometrist continued, "just remember which is your left hand. OK, Ole, cover your right eye . . . No Ole, that's your left eye!" Finally in exasperation, the optometrist took a brown paper bag, cut a hole in it, put it over Ole's head, and moved the hole back and forth from the left eye to the right eye. "Now, Ole," asked the optometrist, "How is that?" "Vell, Doc, I guess it's all right," said Ole. "But I vas vishing I could have some wire rims like Sven."

The Chinaman

A young man walks through New York Chinatown and notices a shop with the name Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity got the best of him and he walked into the shop. He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner.
He asked the old man, How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
Old Man - That's the name of the owner.
Young Man - Who's the owner?
Old Man - I am.
Young Man - How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Old Man - Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong, I was standing in line at Immigration. A man in front of me was a big blond Norwegian. The lady from Immigration asked him, What is your name? He say "Hans Olaffsen". Lady ask me, What is your name? I say Sam Ting.

How Long?

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus."

Ole Computer Terms

Log On: Making da wood stove hotter
Log Off: Don't add no more wood
Monitor: Keepin an eye on da wood
Download: Getting da wood off da truck
Megahertz: Ven yer not careful getting da firewood
Floppy Disk: Vat yew get from trying tew carry tew much wood
Ram: Dat ting dat splits da wood
Hard Drive: Getting home in da winter time in the snow
Prompt: Vat da mail ain't in da winter time
Windows: Vat yew shut when it's cold outside
Screen: Vat yew shut vens it's black fly season
Byte: Vat dem dang black flies do
Chip: Munchies fer da TV
Microchip:Vats in da bottom of da munchies bag
Modem: Vat yew did tew da hay fields
Keyboard: Where yew hang da keys
Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knives
Mouse: Vat eats da grain in da barn
Mainframe: Holds up da barn roof
Port: Fancy wine
Random Access Memory: Ven yew can't remember vat yew paid fer da rifle, ven yer wife asks.

Divorce

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Ole and Sven in Hell

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
 

Minnesota Quarters Alert

Hang on to any of the new Minnesota Quarters you may have or acquire.

They may be worth MUCH MORE than 25 cents! The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Minnesota quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices.

The problem lies in the unique design of the Minnesota quarter, which was designed by a couple of Norwegian specialists, Sven and Ole. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.

 

School days

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

Canoe canoe?

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

Salesman

"Ole and Lena were visited by a door to door salesman, Lowell Thompson. He tried to convince them if they bought the big freezer he was selling, they would save enough on food bills to pay for the freezer. Ole responded that they were paying for the house on what they were saving on rent. And they were saving on movie tickets with the price of cable TV." Finally, Ole said, "And we're saving on laundry with the new washer and dryer. So, I guess ve have to say, ve can't afford to save any more right now."

The Smart Swede

A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian found themselves deserted on a small island. A Cannibal tribe lived on the island, and they imprisoned the three men. The cannibals gave each of them a final wish. First they asked the Norwegian. The Norwegian wanted to see his wife once more. The cannibals went to find the wife. After he saw his wife, the Norwegian was eaten, and the cannibals made a canoe out of his skin. The Finn wanted to smoke one more cigarette. He got his cigarette. After he was finished, he was eaten and his skin was used to make a canoe. Then came the Swede's turn - he wanted a fork. He started to punch holes into himself, and yelled: "YOU WON'T MAKE A CANOE OUT OF ME!"

Swede in a Pub

A Swede was in a pub in Norway and a regular customer suggested to him:
- "I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head." The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure. The Norwegian smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.
- "So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede.
- "I am not a total idiot," the Norwegian replied, "then I would have to give you that $200."

Swedish Party Game

What is a party game played by Swedes?
One Swede goes into a box and the other Swede tries to guess which Swede is in it.

The Winning Norwegian

There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and put  his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited, he  put  more of his money into the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
- "Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
- "What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"

The Animal-like Swede

A Swede was walking down the street with a duck under his arm.
- "Where did you find that monkey?" asked the Norwegian.
- "It happens to be a duck." claimed the Swede.
- "Shut up, Swede! I am talking to the duck."

Neighbors

Q: What is the difference between Swedes and Norwegians?
A: The Swedes have nice neighbors!

In the bar

A bar customer asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a Swede joke. The bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said, ``He's Swedish.'' Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near the door and repeated, ``He's Swedish.'' The bartender finished, ``Now think about whether you want to tell that joke, because I'm Swedish, too.''
The customer replied, ``I guess I won't tell that joke after all. I'd have to explain it three times.''

17th of May parade

Every year for the 17th of May parade the Swedes line up on one side of the road for the parade, the Norwegians on the other. Then, the Swedes throw firecrackers at the Norwegians. Then, the Norwegians light the firecrackers and throw them back

Bottle

After traveling through Sweden last summer, I noticed that they had something written on the bottom of their soft drink bottles, "Åpnas på andra sidan" (Opens on the other end).

The Sun

A Swedish space-scientist came running into the office of his Norwegian colleague. "The Swedes will be the first to send a manned spaceship to the sun," he said. The Norwegian colleague responded, "But the temperature will be millions of degrees there!" The Swede stood there for a few seconds thinking, then he said, "Oh, don't worry, we will be landing during the night."

Big book

A Swedish student was in a bookstore. "This book will do half the job for you," the clerk said. "Good, I will have two, " the Swede replied.

Logical

A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway. Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling. The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires. The Swede looked angrily at him, "You moron! The truck is stuck up on top."

Movies

A Norwegian and a Swede were at the movie theatre, and the Norwegian bet that the hero would die during the movie. The Swede didn't believe him, and they ended up betting 100 Kroner on it. When the movie was over and the hero was dead, the Swede began to give the money to the Norwegian, but the Norwegian interrupted him "I already saw the movie, so I knew he was going to die. Keep the money." The Swede replied, "oh, I also saw the movie before, but I didn't think he would be tricked twice."

Hanging

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane were arrested in France during the French revolution. They each got to choose which way they would die. The Norwegian chose the guillotine, because he saw it as the latest fashion. His head went under, but the blade stopped 1 inch from his neck. The French saw this as a sign from God or something and decided to let him go. The same thing happened to the Dane. Then they asked the Swede how he wanted to die. "I think I'll die by hanging, that guillotine doesn't work anyway," he said.

Long days

The little Swedish kid asked his teacher why the days in the summer were so much longer. The teacher answered, "Oh, that's because the heat makes everything expand."

Road Worker

A Swedish road-worker was hired to paint the line that goes down the center of the road. The first day he managed to paint 2 kilometers, and his boss was very pleased. The next day he only painted 200 meters, but his boss thought that he'd probably started off too hard on the first day. But on the third day he was only able to paint 20 meters. The boss called him into the office and demanded an explanation. "Well, you see it's getting so darn far to walk all the way to the paint bucket," the Swede explained.

Bus ride

There was this group of people on a tour-bus. The guide on the bus asked if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a Norwegian got up and said that he could tell a Swedish joke. Suddenly a woman in the back of the bus said, "No, don't do that. I'm Swedish." The guide looked at her and said, "Oh, that's okay. We'll explain it to you afterwards."

Wrong way

A Swede was driving along an interstate-highway for the first time. As he was listening to the radio the music was suddenly interrupted by a warning message which said that there was a car driving the wrong way on the highway. "ONE?" the Swede yells out, "there are several hundred of them out there!"

Shoot!

There was this Swede who once got home and found his wife in bed with another man. He was so angry that he got a gun and pointed it to his own head. "NO! Don't do that," his wife begged. "Shut up woman! You'll be next," the angry Swede replied.

Is it working?

A Norwegian drove into a Swedish gas station, and wanted some help with his signal lights. After he'd changed the light-bulb, he asked the Swede to check if it was blinking. The Swede looked at it and said, "funkar, funkar inte, funkar, funkar inte. " (Works, doesn't work, works, doesn't work...)

Pregnant

"Daddy, I'm pregnant," the daughter said. "Hey, wait a minute. Are you sure it's yours?" the Swedish father responded.

Foggy

One foggy night off the southwestern coast of Norway, a Swedish battle ship received a radio signal in Norwegian telling it to shift course 10 degrees to the west. The Swedish captain bristled, and replied that the sender should shift HIS course 10 degrees to the east! Moments later the reply came telling the Swedish ship to move 10 degrees to the west. "I vil NOT!" screamed the captain. He turned to the radio operator and yelled, "Yu tell dat dumb norveegian to shift 10 degrees to da east!" Again came the reply to the Swede to shift his course 10 degrees to the west. By now the captain was livid, and he signaled "NOW YU LOOK HERE, I AM A CAPTAIN ON A SWEDISH BATTLE SHIP, AND I AM TELLING YU TO SHIFT YOUR COURSE 10 DEGREES TO THE EAST IF YU KNOW VAT'S GOOD FOR YU!" Moments later came the reply: "Ja, vel I am at the Norveegian lighthouse and you vil shift 10 degrees to da vest, if yu know vat's good for yu!"

Stupid Americans

A Swede made a trip to New York and while standing in front of the Empire State building, he started to count all the floors. A policeman came by and thought to himself: "That one must be Swedish" and decided to take advantage of him. He went up to him and said: "Do you know that it's illegal to count the floors on buildings in the United States?" The Swede replied: "No sir, I did not." The police officer then said: "I'm afraid I'll have to charge you $10.00 per floor you counted." The Swede then said: "Oh, I counted 50 floors sir." The police officer left, very happy. Then, a Swedish comrad came along and asked what had just happened. His friend replied: "My, how these Americans are stupid! I told him that I had counted 50 floors when I had really counted 51!"

Nails

Then there's the story about the Swede who was building himself a house. One of his friends came by and asked why the heck he threw away every second nail? "They have the nail-head in the wrong end", the man replied. His friend became furious with him and shouted, "How stupid can you get? Don't you realize that those nails were made to be used on the other side of the house???"

Home yet?

"I wonder what time it is?" one Norwegian asked another. "At least it's not 17.00," the other answered, "because at 17.00 I am supposed to be home, and I am not home now."

Gators

There was this Norwegian who was on vacation 'over-there' in Florida. All his life he'd wanted to have a pair of alligator-shoes, and now he thought he would finally be able to get around to buying a pair. Gator shoes are of course expensive, and haggling down the price didn't help. Finally the Norwegian yelled out in anger,  In "Just keep your lousy shoes. If that's how it's going to be then I'll just get myself a boat, go out into the swamp, catch a gator and make my own shoes!"  The owner of the store just looked stupidly at him, "Yeah, sure, and give my best regards to the Swedes who're already up there trying to do what you just told me." The Norwegian runs to a boat-rental and gets a boat, then he heads out into the swamp.
After a while he finds two Swedes standing up to their knees in the water. Both of them are holding a spear pointed at the water. That must be the Swedes the Norwegian thinks. Suddenly there's a movement in the water and an alligator swims towards one of the Swedes. The Swede is standing there like a statue, just waiting for the big gator to get closer. When the gator is close by the Swede sticks his spear into the gator, and with a bit of fighting he get's the beast onto the land, where there is a big pile of gators. The Swede turns the gator on his back and examines it's feet, and then finally utters, "Damn! No shoes on this one either!"

Bird dog

There were these two Swedish hunter-buddies who went to Norway and bought a  bird dog. Later they returned to Sweden to test the dog, but they were rather disappointed. Finally one of the guys said "We've been cheated, we might as well just give the dog away." The other Swede looked back at his buddy, "Yeah, we'll give him one more chance. Throw him up in the air again, and if he doesn't fly we'll just have to give him away to someone else."

Test pilot

Once there was two Norwegian and a Swedish test pilot who flew a SAAB-JAS fighter plane. Suddenly the plane caught fire and everyone realize that they'll have to bail out. The problem however seems to be that there are only two parachutes in the plane. The Swede says, "My intellect is so big that it can't possibly be lost to mankind. I will take one of the parachutes."  Then he goes and the two Norwegians are left. "What are we going to do now?" one of them  asked?  "Well, we'll just jump. The great intellect grabbed my back-sack."

Lumber

Two Swedish men go into a lumber yard to buy some 2x4's.
"May I help you", ask the salesman. "How long do you want' em?"
One Swede replies: "Oh, for long time. We're building a house."

Night Train

A Swede was traveling on the night-train, but he couldn't find his seat. The conductor asked him if he could approximately remember where it was. "No," the Swede said, "all I can remember is that there was a river outside of it."

Teacher

There was this Swedish teacher who was yelling at his class because they were so incredibly lazy, "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you flunk this math class," he said. One of the kids put up his hand. "But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.

Jump

Two Swedish men are sitting in a bar watching the eleven o'clock news.
The lead story concerns a woman standing on an eleventh-floor ledge announcing her intention to jump.
"I'll bet you $25 she doesn't jump." Says first Swede.
The second Swedish takes the bet, but sure enough, the woman jumps.
"I can't take your money", says the bet winner Swedish guy.
"I saw that story on the six o'clock news, so I knew she'd jump".
"No, take it", says first Swedish, "I saw the six o'clock news too,
but I was sure that this time she wouldn't do it".

Did you hear?

About the Swedish Doctor who told his patient: "It's very important that you take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain."

About the Swede who was reading the phonebook, "Svenson... Svenson.. Svenson.. It's incredible how many phones that guy has."

Did you ever hear about the Swede who brought his binoculars to a funeral where they were going to bury a distant relative of his...

Did you ever hear about the Swede who was asked if he had lived in Stockholm all his life.
..."Not yet," he answered.

Did you ever hear about the Swede who went ice-fishing...
...and returned home with 10lbs of ice?

Did you hear about the Swede who was asked how often he had sex with his wife?
- "Almost every day..... almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."

Three sailors

Three sailors, a Dane, a Norwegian and a Swede, shipwreck and wash up on the coast of a Central American country in the middle of a guerrilla war. Rebel forces capture them, put them on trail, and condemn them to death as spies. The next morning at dawn, the Dane is put before the firing squad. As they take aim he shouts, "TIDAL WAVE!!!" The troops panic, scatter to high ground and the Dane escapes. The Norwegian sailor is taken out the next morning. Having heard about the Dane from the guards, at the appropriate time he shouts, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Again the firing squad panics and he escapes. The Swede, when his turn comes, realizes that the firing squad will not fall for the same disaster twice, so he shouts "FIRE!!!" And they do..
Contributed by: "Harald R. Andersen"

Watch your driving!

In the old days the Swedes used to drive on the left, but his caused many tourist accidents. They decided to switch to the right. Being careful people, they wanted this to go smoothly. So they decided that on Monday all trucks and buses would start driving on the right. If that went well, all cars would follow suit the next day.
Contributed by: "Harald R. Andersen"

Lovers

Sven came home to his apartment one night, all Upset. "Dat yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he's made love to every voman in dis building except one."
"Hmmph," said his wife. "Must be that snooty Mrs.Johnson on the second floor."

Insurance

There's a new Norwegian insurance policy. 
It's called "My Fault Insurance."

Chatter

LENA: I voke last night and vas shivering all over.
TINA: Did your teeth chatter?
LENA: I don't know...we haven't slept togedder for years.

Teeth

Lena likes going to her class reunions. She says it is fun to see all those old faces and new teeth.

The interview

Lena was being interviewed for a job as maid for the very wealthy
Mrs. Diamond, who asked her: "Do you have any religious views?"
"No," said Lena, "but I've got some nice pictures of Norway."

Vasectomy

Our neighbor, Ole, recently had a vasectomy because he didn't want any
more grandchildren.

The Pope

LARS: Have you heard dat dey elected a Pole to be Pope?
SVEN: Ya, it's about time, dose Catlicks have had it long enough.

Poor Dog

Ole came home one evening and shot his dog. When his
neighbor asked why, he explained, "Some vun phoned me
up and said my vife was fooling around vith my best friend."

You call this hunting?

A Norwegian went on an elephant hunt, but had to quit when he developed a hernia from carrying the decoy.

Please come in..

Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."

Kiss Goodbye

Once there was a Norwegian named Ole who took his wife with him wherever he went so that he wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye.
 

Building a house

"I need to buy some boards there, Sven."
"How long you want 'em, Ole?"
"Long time. I'm building a house, ya know."

Duck hunting

Sven and Ole went out duck hunting, and they worked at it for a couple hours and finally Sven says:
"I wonder why aren't we getting any ducks, Ole?"
"I don't know. I wonder if we're throwing the dog high enough."

Olympics

Did you hear about Ole's nephew Torvald who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
Yeah, he had it bronzed.

Railroad tracks

So Sven and Ole are walking home from the tavern late at night and they head down the railroad tracks, and Sven says, "This is the longest flight of stairs I ever climbed in my life."
And Ole says, "Yeah, it's not the stairs that bother me so much, it's these low railings."

Grease a combine

"Hey Sven, how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?"
"I don't know, Ole."
"Only two, if you run them through real slow."

Wrong way on the freeway

So Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and he says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone."
And Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway."

And Ole says, "One nut ---- heck, there are hundreds of them!"

Hiking

So Ole was hiking in the mountains of Norway and he slips on a wet rock and he falls over the edge of a five-hundred-foot cliff, and he falls twenty feet and he grabs hold of a bush that's growing out of a rock. And there he is, he's hanging looking down at this deep fjord down below him -- certain death -- and his hands start to perspire and he starts to slip on this bush and he yells out, "Is anybody up there?"
And he heard a deep voice rings out in the fjord, "I'm here, Ole. It's the Lord, Ole. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you."

Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he says, "Is anyone else up there?"

Boat For Sale

So, Ole --- I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat For Sale." But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine.
"Yup, and they're boat for sale."

Girls aren't friendly

So Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come the girls aren't friendly to me?"
"Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that would help."

---So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried what you told me with the potato, but it doesn't help."

"No, Sven --- you're supposed to put the potato in the front."

Ventriloquist

In the middle of the show, a guy stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "HEY!
You've been making jokes about us Norwegian people enough! Cut it out!"
And the ventriloquist says, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!"
And the guy says, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee!"

Seven years.

Ole and Lena had been married seven years. Lena was getting worried that Ole might be getting the seven year itch. She thought he was cheating on her. Lena says to Ole "You never tell me you love me. Is there someone else?"
Ole replies "When we got married I told you I loved you. If I ever change my mind I'll let you know."

Heaven or hell sermon

The pastor at Sven and Ole's church was giving a rousing heaven or hell sermon one Sunday. At the end, minister commands "Whoever wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everyone except Sven and Ole stand. The pastor walks over to them, looks them directly in the eye and asks "Why don't Sven and Ole want to go to heaven?"
Sven answers, "Oh, ve vant to go to heaven. But ve taught you were taking a load up right now and ve aren't ready yet."

Ole the contractor

A couple was looking through their new home with Ole the contractor, picking out wall colors for the various rooms. They went into the living room first, said they'd like to have it in a pale green. Ole wrote something down on a pad, then went to the window and yelled, "Gren sida oop!"
They went on into the kitchen, where the couple chose a light clay color for the room. Again the Ole wrote something on a pad, went to the window, and yelled " Gren sida oop!"

This continued from room to room, upstairs and downstairs - all through the house until they were finished. Finally, the husband couldn't contain himself any longer, he had to find out what was going on.

"I'm confused," he said. "Every room we've gone to, we've picked out a particular room color, you've written on a pad, then gone to the window and yelled, "Gren sida oop! Now, I know a little Swedish and we didn't choose green in any room. What's going on?"

"Oh!", said Ole, "I've got Sven out der layin' sod for me."

Buying his first TV

Sven was buying his first TV. He went into the furniture shop where Ole worked as a salesman. "I vant to buy that nice TV over dere" Sven said.
"Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes" Ole said.

Sven was flabbergasted but refused to give up so easily. He bought himself a very expensive disguise complete with the outfit, the hairstyle and even learned a new accent. He came back to the furniture shop.

"Hey, man, be cool. I really dig that TV there. How much you want for it, cat?" Sven asked.

Ole didn't pause in his response. "Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes!"

Sven was flabbergasted and more determined than ever. He went to a neighboring city and bought another disguise and learned another new accent. He came back to the furniture shop. "Howdy, partner, I'd sure like to purr-chess that TV yonder, wa-ja say?" Sven asked.

Ole again immediately responded, "Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes!"

Sven stepped back, ripped off his mask, and demanded, "Hey, how in de vurld did you know I'm a Svede?"

"Vell, first of all, yong man, dat ees a micro vave offen."

Getting a haircut.

Ole came back to work 15 minutes late. The boss noticed and asked where he had been.
Ole: "Getting a haircut."
Boss: "On company time?"
Ole: "It grew on company time."
Boss: "Not all of it."
Ole: "I didn't get it all cut off."

Birth control,

Sven and Ole are sitting in the boat fishing, and nothing much is biting, and the conversation chances onto the topic of birth control, and so Sven says to Ole, "What do you and Lena do for birth control?"
And Ole says "Oh we use the condom and ice cube method".
And Sven says "I've never heard of that Ole, how's it work?"
And Ole says "Oh, well, when I go to put the condom on, I put a couple of those little ice cubes in first."
And Sven says "Yimminy Ole, isn't that awfully cold?"
And Ole says "Yah sure it is Sven, but it really helps keep the swelling down."

Weather report

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, OK."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."

Do we have this backwards?

One day this Swede walked into town to do some shopping.  On his way home his Norwegian neighbor saw him carrying a bag.  He hurried out to greet him and asked what he had in his bag.  The Swede replied chickens.  The Norwegian asked how many he had. the Swede says if you can guess how many I have I will give you both of them.  The Norwegian replied 3.
Contributed by: Vernon Backlund

Squatters

A farmer was in town one day and was telling the butcher that he had a pack of dogs living under his front porch and didn't know how to get rid of them.
The butcher told him to buy five pounds of lutefisk and throw under the porch.
So he bought some before he went home and that night he threw it under the porch.
The next time he was in town  the butcher asked him if he got rid of the dogs. The farmer told him he got up the next morning and looked and the dogs were gone, and a couple of days later he wanted to make sure they were gone so he looked under the porch and sure enough the dogs were gone but two Norwegian families had moved in.
Contributed by:
Nelson Hendrickson

Postman Calling

Sven and Ole came home to Sven's house one evening and heard noises upstairs. They snuck up the stairs and, peeking in the bedroom door, found Sven's wife in bed with the mailman. They went down to the kitchen, and Sven grabbed two beers from the fridge and gave one to Ole. Seeing that Sven was upset, Ole said, "hey, vhat about da postman"? Ole replied, "ah, he can get his own beer".
Contributed by: Arne H. Halvorsen

Deathbed Request

Ole was on his deathbed and implored his wife Lena, "When I'm gone, I want you to marry Sven Svenson". "Why Sven Svenson?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all of your life!" "Still do," gasped Ole.
Contributed by: Arne H. Halvorsen 

No meat on Friday

When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole. "Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic." Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.

The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"

Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"
Contributed by: Ellen Erdvig

Here are some one-liners

Why do Norwegians use glass garbage cans?
So the Swedes can go window shopping!
 

Why do Norwegian men make love on their backs?  
Because they are prone to screw up!
 

Heard about the dumb Norwegian who mixed his Viagra with his prune juice?  
Now he doesn't know if he's comming or going!
 

You know how to break a dumb Norwegian's index finger?  
Punch him in the nose!
Contributed by: Ragnar Nilsen

Abortion

Abortion has caught on so well in Sweden that there's a 10 month waiting period.
Contributed by: Robert Morrow 

Harvey??

A visitor to Minnesota asked a resident why everyone's car was named Harvey??  
Why do you say that, asked the resident?
Well you get in their car, they put it in gear, and they say  "har ve go".

Contributed by: Marian Burnett

Swedes and Norwegians Play Football

The Swedes and the Norwegians had a football game, starting at 10 a.m. For 2 hours they played a scoreless game.
When the lunch bell rang at high noon, the Norwegians walked off the
field to go home for lunch.
3 plays later, the Swedes scored.
Contributed by: David Harrington

Bungee-Jumping

Ole and Sven are bungee-jumping one day. Ole says to Sven, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there" Ole thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.

Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Ole notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Ole isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Ole misses him. Sven falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Sven gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik Ibsen Lodge
 

Swimming Competition
 
One summer day, there was a (swimming) breastroke competition between the a few Norwegian women and one Swedish woman across a lake.
Ready, set, go~~~all the women set off.
The Norwegian women crossed the finish line first. They seemed to wait an eternity for the Swedish woman. "Gee-wiz, what in the world happened to the Swedish woman? Is she okay? We've been waiting here for over 1/2 hr....."
Finally, panting and looking exhausted the Swede came slowly towards the finish line. She proclaimed with much shortness of breath "Good heavens! How did you ladies get here so fast? Did you cheat & use your arms or what?!!!"
 
By Anonymous (i don't know author) ;=)
Contributed by: Stephan Beatty
 

Naked

Ole comes home unexpectedly at 3:00 in the afternoon.

Lena is laying naked on the bed
Ole "Lena vhat you doing, lying there naked on the bed"?
Lena "Ole I have nothing to wear".
Ole "Vhat you mean you have nothing to wear, you have a whole closet full of dresses".
Ole opens the closet door.
Ole "See, here's one dress, two dress, three dress "Hello Lars", four dress, five dress".
Contributed by: Gary A. Shaw
 

Lena Died

One morning Ole woke up to find Lena had died.  Ole called the operator.  "My wife Lena has died." he said.  The operator said "Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that.  We can send over an ambulance for her.  Where do you live?"  Ole replied "On Eucalyptus Street".  The operator asked "Can you spell that for me?"  Ole said  "No.  Why don't I just haul her down to Oak St?" 
Contributed by: Jaynine09@aol.com 

OLE & LENA'S HONEYMOON 

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik Ibsen Lodge


OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik Ibsen Lodge


THAT'S HER!

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik Ibsen Lodge


SWIM COMPETITION 

A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second. The Swede reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls used dere arms."
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik Ibsen Lodge


FAMOUS INVENTIONS 

The Swedes invented the toilet seat. Twenty years later the Norwegians invented the hole in it.
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik Ibsen Lodge


VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE 

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more."
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik Ibsen Lodge


THE PRANK CALL 

The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. "Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here" he says and hangs up. "Who vas dat?" asks Lena. "I donno, some damn fool wanting to know if da coast was clear.
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik Ibsen Lodge

OLYMPICS

Did you hear about the dumb Norwegian who competed at the Olympics?
He entered the Javelin Catching event!
Contributed by: Ragnar Nilsen

Fishing

Ole and Sven were standing on a bridge fishing in the river below. Suddenly Sven sees in the distance a funeral procession coming. Sven reels in turns toward the road places his fish pole over his shoulder and stands at attention until it had gone past. Ole says why Sven that was such a respectful thing to do I am really proud of you for doing it. Sven said yes, Ole, but you do know I was married to that woman for 35 years.
Contributed by:
Gary Urness

Death Notice
 

Ole died. Lena went to make arrangements. When she got to the newspaper, to put in the death notice, she found out they charged for more than 5 words. She thought for a few minutes then wrote "Ole died boat for sale"
Contributed by:
Gary Urness

Lena Died
 

Ole and Lena, married for a long time, were not getting along so well. Ole decided to take the mule out to the field and do some plowing. Around noon he saw Lena coming carrying a basket. Ole realized that Lena was a good woman. She walked around the mule but the mule kicked out and hit Lena in the head, killing her. At the funeral Ole watched the women look at Lena and shook his head up and down. When men came by he shook his head side to side. Sven could not figure that out, so he asked Ole what did that mean? Ole said the women said Lena was a good woman-YES, the men asked if the mule was for sale-NO 
Contributed by: Gary Urness
 

Ole and the Vacuum Salesman

 

Ole and Lena lived for a while in an apartment building in Fargo.  One day when Ole’s having a beer at the corner bar he meets a vacuum salesman who brags about his success with the women in Ole’s building saying he’s had sex with every one of them but one.  When Ole returns home he tells Lena the story.  Lena cocks her head and thinks for a minute, then she says "Ya know, I bet it's dat snooty missus yonsen" Contributed by: stevehillesland@comcast.net
 

Ludefisk

 

Arnie complained to Kjell, "I've got rats unter my house.  Vat can I do to get rid of them?"
"Throw some ludefisk unter de porch.  They'll be gone lickitty split."
Two weeks later Kjell saw Arnie at the store and asked about the rats.
"Oh, dat got rid of dem alright, but now I've got 14 Norwegians livin' under der."  Contributed by: John Weinstein

Guess What

Ole drives around town looking for cheaper gas prices. After awhile he gives up and decides to stop in on Sven at the Super America gas station. Ole says to Sven, "Hey Sven, do you have any gasoline specials dis veek?" Sven responds, "By golly Ole we do have one. You fill da tank up and guess the number I have here in my head that is between one and ten and if you are right, you get free sex." Ole gets excited and runs out to fill his tank. "O.K. Sven, I have a tank full and ready for ya number guessing and free sex." "O.K. Ole guess the number right here in my head between vun and ten and you get free sex" says Sven. Ole looks deep into Sven's eyes and shouts "Seven"! Sven says, "Oh, Ole, you were so close, the number was Eight." Ole leaves and decides he was so close that he would drive around town long enough to fill up his car again and try for the free sex number thing. He runs his car almost out of gas after 5 hours of driving around town. He fills up at Sven's station and proudly says, "Sven, I am ready to try it again - dat number thing and free sex." "O.K. Ole I have the number right here in my head between vun and ten. You guess it right and you get free sex". Ole looks deep into Sven's eyes and says, "TWO". Sven looks at the ceiling in amazement but says to Ole, "Oh you were so close. Dat number vas THREE." Ole leaves mad. On his way home he pulls into Lars' house. He tells Lars how he tried dat number game then says to Lars, "You know that Sven's got a real scam going dere. He can change dat number in his head anytime he wants. It is a scam and no one can get free sex wid dat Sven's scam." "Oh," Lars responds, " dat ain't no scam Ole. I sent Lila down dere yester day and she won TWICE!" Contributed by: Phil Hegg (100% Norskie)

Norwegian man wants a job.

A Norwegian man wants a job, but the foreman doesn't want to hire him and decides to make the Norwegian pass a "math" test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Norwegian says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Norwegian
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Norwegian stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Norwegian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each of the three trees and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" (Thought you'd like this one)
The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred... So, when I start?!" Contributed by: Our own Barbara Johnson

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday........
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".  Contributed by:  John Wood

Cold Winters

I heard once about a Norwegian feller named Ole who lived way up there in northern Minnesota, somewhere real close to the Wisconsin border, I guess. After years and years of farming, he decided to put the farm up for sale. He called a realtor in town, who told him he would come out to the farm to help set a price and fill out all the paperwork. When Ole met with the realtor, among the many details to take care of, the realtor told Ole "we'll need to get a survey of the farm" and when everything is ready, I'll be back for some final paperwork. When the time came, the realtor guy called up Ole to set up a time to visit and get that last paperwork stuff all done. As they were chatting on the phone, the realtor happened to mention the survey and said to Ole, "You know, something funny happened here, when the survey and the legal description came back, it said that you actually live in Wisconsin. Hah, and to think that all this time we thought your property was in Minnesota. Don't that just beat all?", to which Ole replied "Really?  Well, I tink maybe I von't sell the farm after all, ya know. It was dose doggone cold Minnesota vinters I was trying to get avay from." Contributed by: Greg Bolen, Wausau, WI

 

Energy
 

And then there was the story about the Norwegian Energy Commission's plan for solar energy development.  They had heard about the success in other nations of inexpensive solar power and were hoping to join in some good modern 20th century technology.(this happened a few year ago.)    Ole was sitting there at that first planning committee meeting fiddling with a little pocket calculator and not paying much attention to what the others had been saying until the chairman of the of the meeting said, "Ya know, Ole, it vould nice if you'd pay a bit more attention to vhat's going on here."  You can do your checkbook on your own time, ya know.  Ole looked up and said,  Oh, I'm paying attention, fellers, but I been doing a little arithmetic and I don't think ve're gonna be able to afford this project.  At $2.00 apiece for six foot extension cords,  that comes out to about $163,680,000,000 to stretch those 93,000,000 miles to the sun and that doesn't even include the sales tax."  Contributed by: Greg Bolen, Wausau, WI

A Hot Day in Greenbay
 

It was a hot day in Greenbay Wisconcin. Lena decided to walk down town to get dinner meat for Nils, her husband. As she walked to the market she approached a barroom and thought to herself." Sheesh it's a really hot day maybe I should have a mug of ze cold beer". She walked in and sat down at the bar. The bartender approached her and asked what she would like. She replied "I tink I'll have ze cold beer." With that the bartender replied "Anhauser Busch"? And she replied "Fine und howz der pecker too"?  Contributed by: Harry Ashton

The Birds

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole,"Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting .. and now Lars, hengliding ..."
Dats all. Dere ain't no more!  Contributed by: Ray Eriksen

Recently received e-mail

Hello Larry,

I really enjoyed your Norwegian Joke page. Being Norwegian (3rd generation and never been to Norway) I’ve told some of them myself.
I want to share a couple of real Norwegian stories that I think you might enjoy.

My father’s mother (Nana) was born in Norway and immigrated in about 1900. She soon learned English (in a Norsk fashion) and she told me I vashed you yeans and sood dem tooo. So jou can Yoost vear dem now. I said thank you Nana, but they’re jeans not yeans, can’t you say the sound of J? She said JES I can!
Another family story is when my mother was engaged to my father, she was meeting all the relatives at a Christmas party. She was a very proper young lady and wanted to make a good impression on every one there. My uncle told her that most of the people there only spoke Norwegian and when they say to her (sp) Goot Yule, that means Merry Christmas and you should smile at them and say (sp?) Oxen Lordt! ( I’m sure you know what I’m trying to say). Well being a typical Norwegian family, my mother was instantly loved and accepted into the family.

When I was 5 years old, I thought my name was Uff Da. When I was 10, I thought it was DamnitDave.

The hardest 3 years in a Norwegian’s life is the second grade.

Did you hear about the little Norwegian boy who had to take off his shoes and drop his pants to count to 21.

Thanx again Larry, Got dog

Dave Evensen (good Irish name, ya?)   Thanks Dave, Larry

 

Minnesota Ghost Recently received e-mail

This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar, a little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real, or so they say.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Willmar .

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when he realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other,-- "Look Ole, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain. "

 

Bungee-Jump

 
Sven and Ole decided to open a bungee-jump concession down in Mexico.
 On opening day, a large crowd gathered at the base of the bungee-jump tower.  However no one bought a ticket.
 Sven and Ole were standing on the top of the bungee tower.  Ole asked,” Why isn’t anyone buying a ticket?” Sven answered, “Maybe they don’t understand what a bungee-jump is. Why don’t you make a jump to show them how it works.”
 So Ole attached the bungee-cords and jumped.  He returned to the platform with a torn shirt, and bloody arms.
 Not knowing what happened, Sven told Ole to try again. And again he jumped and returned more beat up than before.
 Sven asked Ole, ”What happened?”
 To which he replied, “ What’s a piñata?”
 Contributed by: Ragnar Nilsen

 

Hungry

An old Norwegian was leaning up against a tree in the old west when a wagon train happened upon him.  He kept whittling while the wagon master climbed down and began "Old man, we are all starving, tired and looking for food.  Do you know where we can find some?". 
"Vell yah, but you don't vant to go dare." said the old Norwegian.
"You let US be the judge of that said the wagon master.  What kind of food can we find?" 
"Vell dare is a bacon tree over dat ridge dare, but I tell to you, don't go over it or you vill surely die."
With the news of food the wagon master loaded up and proceeded over the hill only to be met by savage Indians who slaughtered almost everyone, but the wagon master.  He managed to crawl back over the ridge to the whittling Norwegian and cursed him waving his fists at the old man and screamed "You old fool, you got everyone killed, but me and there wasn't a bacon tree either."
"Vait un minute, vait un minute." said the Norwegian as he thumbed though a Norwegian-English dictionary.
"Uff-dah, yah, it vasn't a bacon tree, it vas a hambush". 
Contributed by:
Sunshine Kid
 

My Ear

Sven and Ole went to work at the lumber mill and were assigned to the band saw. The work was going fine until Ole leaned too close to the saw and the blade sliced his ear off. Trying to help, Sven picked the ear out of the scrap box. “Ole, look, I found your ear! Meybe da doctor can sew it back on”. Ole replied “Sven, you idiot, dat’s not my ear. My ear had da pencil behind it!’.

Contributed by:
Jeff Ouimet
 

Cows

Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin who needs a new milk cow.
He hears about a nice one for sale over in Saskatchewan, so he drives to Saskatchewan, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised, so he looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. But milk comes out, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.
He calls his neighbor, Sven, over and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "I bet you bought dis cow in Saskatchewan, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dat's right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Saskatchewan"

Contributed by: Joe Lanier
 

10 Inch Bic

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands "Vhere dit yew git dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

Contributed by:
Roy Berntsen


Ole & Lars come to US

When the immigrants began to flow in to our fledgling country, we needed to have methods to insure that these people would help build it to the great nation it is today. To do this they had a quota system on people, and the numbers were controlled with skilled proffessions that people must have to enter this country. When Ole and Lars came, they were screened for their professions. Lars went through first and then Ole. The screener asked Ole what he did in Norway for an occupation. Ole replied that he worked in a ladies undervear factory. The official said "I don't know Ole, that isn't a high skill profession that we are looking for."
Ole snapped "Vell you let Lars go right in!"
The official said "He had a technical position, called a diesel fitter."
Ole was all put out and he said "Ya, all he does is hold up da ladies undervear and says wedder or not deese'll fit her!!"

Contributed by: Gregory Thompson

A Math Test

A Norwegian man wanted a job, but the foreman wasn't too keen to hire him.
He told the Norwegian that first he would have to pass a math test.
The Norwegian agreed.
"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number nine."
"Without numbers?" the Norwegian says, "Dat's easy." and proceeded to draw a picture of three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Norwegian.
"Fair enough," said the foreman, while thinking to himself that he had been outsmarted. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Norwegian stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you figure that to represent 99?"
"Vell, each of dose trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dat is 99."
The foreman is now worried that he's actually going to have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.
"The Norwegian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

(Think you'll like this one)

The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.....So, when I start?!"

Contributed by: Gladys Everson

Physiological/Sociological experiment and a couple of one liners.

A Norwegian, Swede, Dane and a Finn were transported to a deserted Island as a Physiological/Sociological experiment.
After a year the scientists return.
As they approach the Island, the Norwegian was fishing,
The Swede has established a government,
the Dane has established a farm...
and the Finn was still drunk.

Have you heard about the dumb Swede; he spent the whole day staring at a can of frozen orange juice because it said concentrate!
How about the dumb Norwegian truck driver who took his holiday in England so he could get the other arm sun tanned!

Contributed by: Ragnar Nilsen

Coming to America

Ole and Lena met on the boat as they proceeded to a new life in America and soon fell in love. After clearing customs they went to City Hall to get a marriage license. Since neither one of them spoke much English one of the secretaries helped them fill out the required forms.
 
The lady asked Lena "What's your nationality?" Lena said "I yust come over from da old country and don't unnerstand nationality.  Vat's dat?" The lady said "Well you are tall and blond and definitely have a Scandinavian accent. Don't you have a little Swede in you?"
 
Lena blushed and said "
 "Yah dat damned Ole, he yust couldn't vait."
 

Contributed by: Dick Hall - Minnesota born and raised.

Pastors Sven & Ole

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:
    "Da End iss Near!
    Turn Yourself Aroundt Now!
    Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash...
Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Da Bridge is Out'?"

Contributed by: Gladys Everson

Lefsa

Ole was on his death bed, The doctor had told Lena he wouldn't last the night. and he might as well die at home on his own bed.  After a while Ole's eyes flickered open and he sniffed the air and muttered Lefsa oh Lefsa. He worked his way to the edge of the bed and slipped to the floor.  Sniffing the air and muttering Lefsa he crawled to the stairs and half climbed half fell downstairs. Oh Lefsa he crawled to the kitchen door.  There he saw Lena standing at the stove cooking Lefsa with a stack of finished ones on the table.  He crawled to the table and painfully pulled himself up on a chair murmuring Lefsa.  He was reaching out for one when Lena turned and saw him.  She smacked his hand with the spatula and said "Now Ole stop that those are for after the funeral".    

Contributed by: Richard " Swede " Anderson          

Toilet Brush

So Ole won the door prize at Sons of  Norway a while back. It was a brand new toilet brush that the Ace hardware had donated. Ole was really happy about winning, he talked about it all night. Said  he never had ever won anything before. He took it home and tried it out right away and he give it a good trial. But after a couple weeks he figured he'd go back to using paper.              
Contributed by: Richard " Swede " Anderson      

Olympics

A reporter was walking in the 0lympic grounds in Beijing. He saw a rather tall blond man carrying a long pole towards the track practice fields. He asked him, are you a pole vaulter?  The man replied. no I'm Norvigian, but how did you know my name is Valter?
Contributed by: Richard " Swede " Anderson      

Ole was on his death bed.....again.

So. Ole was on his death bed. The doctor had told the family nothing could be done for him so he was at home. The family was gathered around the bed. Ole opened his eyes and looked all around the room.. He murmured , Lena is Lena here? She took his hand and said yes Ole I'm right here. The kids Are the kids here? yeah pop we're here, yes dad we're all here. And my brother and his kids? Yes said Ragnar we are all hear with you. So says Ole if you're all in here, vay is the light still on in the kitchen?
Contributed by: Richard " Swede " Anderson      


NORVEGIAN LOVE STORY
 
Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas springtime, and da lakes vas yust beginning to thaw.
 
Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, 'Nah, yust put it on our tab'.
 
So she valked across, got da smokes at da yeneral store, den valked back home across da lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she  asked him, 'Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store.
Why didn't you yust give me some money?'.
 
Ole replied, 'Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit any money ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas.'             
Contributed by: Bette Stahl

Ole and Clarence

Ole lived across the Minnesota River from Clarence Bunsen, whom he didn't like at all.
They were yelling across the river at each other all the time. Ole would yell to Clarence, "if I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"
This went on for years.
Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.
Ole's wife, Lena, says, "now is your chance, Ole. Vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?"
Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat!"
Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came back home.
Lena asked, "vhy did you come back?"
Ole said, "Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence.
You know, vhen I yell at him from across the river he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in."
Contributed by: Gladys Everson 

Uncle Knute

Lars and Tena invited a well-to-do Uncle for dinner. Little Arnie looked him over and finally approached the old Uncle with a request.
"Uncle Knute . . . vill you make a noise like a frog for me?" said Arnie. "Vy in da vorld do you vant me to make a noise like a frog?" exclaimed the Uncle.
"Because," said Arnie, "Papa says ve are going to get a lot of money ven you croak!"

Not long to live

Lars was in bad shape. He was constantly out of breath and his eyes bulged out.
He finally went to the doctor and was told he probably didn't have long to live. So Lars decided to enjoy the time he had left and bought a new suit and shirt.
The clerk suggested a size 16 collar, but Lars insisted on a size 14 because, as he said, "I alvays vear size 14."
The clerk answered, "Well, I'll get you a 14, but I must warn you, when you have a collar that small, it makes you short of breath and your eyes bulge out."

Ole died....

Ole died. The regular pastor of the Lutheran Church was on vacation, so a neighboring one came to do the service. Before the funeral, the minister found Lena to ask her a little about Ole so to get to know him better. He gathered some information then asked: "Do you happen to know what Ole's last words were before he died?" Lena thought for a moment then replied: "Lena, put down that gun!"
 

Ole the portrait artist

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew...and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole. The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena , his missus.

In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
 

Two Norvegians drinking

Two Norvegians are drinking at da Arrow Bar in Weston, WI.
Ole says, 'Did you know dat lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?'   
'Darn!' says Sven. "I jus joined da Elks."
 

Poor Ole

Ole and Lars are two Norwegians working at the local sawmill. One day Ole slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Lars quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Ole to the local hospital. Next day, Lars goes to the hospital and asks after Ole. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Lars couldn't believe it, but here's Ole out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. Couple of days go by and then Ole slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Lars puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Ole off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising." And sure enough, here's Ole out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Ole comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Lars puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Ole to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Ole is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Lars is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

''No," says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

Ole the Minnesota Furniture Dealer

Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Brainerd MN, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand ), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Two Norwegian hunters

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the l oad and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?" "Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Car Accident

Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.  "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.  Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"  Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."  The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."  By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."  Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded.  "Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and vas driving her down the highway ven this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.   I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.  Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"  "Now vat the hell vould you say?"

Telephone Poles

Sven and Ole got a job putting in telephone poles. After the first day, they were talking to the foreman. The forman asked how many poles they had put in.
"Two" said Ole.
"Only TWO?" Said the foreman, "All the other crews put in eight to ten."
"Yah!" Said Ole, "But did you see how much dey left sticking out?"

 

Ole and Lena at Church

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,
"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said,
"Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"

 

Pickle Slicer

Sven came home from work early one day and
Lena asks, "Sven, you're home from work early.
What happened?"
Sven replies, "Vell, I got my ting caught in da pickle slicer."
"Oh no!", says Lena, "Let me see your ting".
So Sven shows her his ting and everyting is fine.
"Sven, your ting is just fine, what happened to da pickle slicer?"
Says Sven, "Oh dey fired her too."
 

Snowmobiling

Sven and Ole are on their snowmobiles racing across the lake. Ole breaks through the ice and sinks to the bottom.
Sven goes to the edge of the ice and he sees Ole pulling and pulling on the starting rope. Sven yells,
"Ole, you have to open the choke first!"
 

Ole's Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Wisconsin and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and Ole appears and tells him dat the dog is in da backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Ole what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' Ole says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Dat's because he's a liar. He never did any of dat stuff.'
 

"Final Answer"

A contestant Lars, on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If he answered the next question correctly, he would win $1,000,000. If he answered incorrectly, he would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as he suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture"
Lars was on the spot. He did not know the answer. He had used up his 50/50 Lifeline and his Ask the Audience Lifeline.. All that remained was his Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. He hoped he would not have to use it because . . . His friend was, well, Ole - not the sharpest nail in the bin. But he had no alternative. He called Ole and gave him the question and the four choices.
Ole responded unhesitatingly: "Dat's easy. Da answer is C: da cuckoo."
Lars had to make a decision and make it fast. He considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that Ole had given him. And considering his friend was not the smartest Norwegian, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But his friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
Crossing his fingers, Lars said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer."
"That answer is Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, Lars hosted a party for his family and friends, including Ole, who had helped him win the million dollars.
"Ole, I just do not know how to thank you," said Lars. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said Ole. "Everybody knows dat da cuckoos don't build nests. Day live in da clocks."
Lars fainted.

At the gates of Heaven

Two guys, Ole and Sven, are standing at the gates of heaven.
Trying to be friendly, Ole asks Sven, "So, how did you get here?"
Sven replies, "Hypothermia, how about you?"
"Well, "Ole said, "I vas sure my wife Lena vas cheating on me, so one day I came home early to catch her in da act. I searched da whole house, but dare vas no one dare. I felt so bad about da whole ting dat I had a massive heart attack."
"Oh great, "said Sven, "If you vould've checked da freezer ve vould both be alive!"


Lady next door

One day Ole was home alone when the lady next door came over. "Ole, she said, would you please do me a favor and take off my blouse for me?"
Ole's face got a little red but he obliged her. "Now Ole would you please take off my skirt for me?"
Once again Ole obliged her. "Ok Ole take off my panties and bra."
Ole took the last two items off and tossed them aside his face now burning. She looked Ole in the eyes and said.
"And don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"

A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane

A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Norwegian stumbled out the door. After ten minutes, all the pigs ran out.

 Ole's vacation

Sven and Ole were talking one afternoon when Sven tells Ole, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only dis year I'm a gonna do it a little different. Da last few years, I took your advice about where to go."
"T'ree years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Lena got pregnant."
"Den two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Lena got pregnant again."
"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Lena didn't get pregnant again."
Ole asked Sven, "So, what ya gonna do dis year dat's so different?"
And Sven says, "Dis year I'm taking Lena with me!"
Contributed by: John Wood

Bad Hailstorm

Ole was driving home after picking up some lutefisk & got caught in a really bad hailstorm. His car, a blue AMC Pacer, was covered with dents, so the next day he took it to a repair shop in Boyceville. Sven, the shop owner, decided to have some fun...He told Ole to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out. So, Ole went home, got down on his hands & knees & started blowing into the tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So he blew a little harder, & still nothing happened. Lena saw him & asked, 'Vat are you doing?' Ole told her how the repairman had instructed him to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Lena rolled her eyes & said, 'Ole, you need to roll up da vindows first.”
Lifted from Restauration Lodge 3-555 Newsletter the Slooper

Flood

One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house.
Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat der baseball cap a floatin' away from da house, den back again?"
Lena said, "Oh yeah, dats my husband Ole; I tole dat lazy-such and such he vasgonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!!!!
Lifted from Suncoast Lodge 3-562 Newsletter

Dooda

Two Norwegians went fishing with their friend, Dooda. they drifted to close to the dam and the boat dropped over the edge. the Norwegians could swim, but Dooda drowned. they had to think of a way to tell his wife, so they came up to Dooda's wife and one burst out singing "Guess who drowned at the lake today, Dooda, Dooda...
Contributed by: Cassie Fureby

Romantic Norwegians

Those Norwegians are so romantic that it warms the heart and tickles ones soles........Ya ????
Ole & Lena lived by lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.
Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, Nah, yust put it on our tab.
So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?
Ole replied, Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas yet.

Contributed by: My Friend Juan Lara

If You Gotta Go, Start Early

 Ole Olsen of Minnesota asked his wife Lena to write about campground facilities for a vacation. Lena being a prude and not wanting to write “toilet,” thought of the old-fashioned term “bathroom commode.” Thinking even that might be too forward, Lena shortened it to “B.C.”
The campground owner, not being old-fashioned at all, was stumped by the B.C. business in the letter. After much deliberation, he figured she must be asking for the location of the local Baptist church. So he sent her the following reply:
A week or 2 later she received this reply and read it to Ole.
“I have the pleasure of informing you that the B.C. is located six miles north of the campground. It is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I will admit that is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take a lunch and make a day of it.
“The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time. Right now, there is a supper planned to raise money for more seats. It will be held in the basement of the B.C. It pains me that I am not able to go more regularly, but it is not for a lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
“If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you and introduce you to all the folks. This is a friendly community.”
Ole said "It sounds like fun".  Lena fainted!

Contributed by: "Rusty & Fran Anderson

 

If you have a good Scandinavian joke, please e-mail me.
Last Modified March 2013



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